You just entered the elevator. There’s a person next to you.

Then, more people enter the elevator as it stops at one floor after another.

Do you find yourself slowly drifting out of your body, perhaps longing to close your eyes and zone out?

Perhaps your heart is beating fast, as fast as your thoughts are racing, and your chest feels tense.

And your breath?

It’s irregular, and you feel so agitated that you don’t trust yourself being around people because you’ll only act like a fool and feel bad about yourself later.

Sweaty palms, dry mouth and trembling may also manifest.

What’s happening here is that social anxiety has taken over your mind and activated your body’s fight-or-flight response.

People with social anxiety live with a constant fear of judgment by other people.

Perhaps it’s because getting judged could mean getting rejected.

As it turns out, rejection is not something human beings are meant to accept easily.

Needed for survival

Human beings are social creatures.

In an article published by the American Psychological Association, journalist Kirsten Weir wrote that we “evolved to live in cooperative societies, and for most of human history, we depended on those groups for our lives.

“Like hunger or thirst, our need for acceptance emerged as a mechanism for survival.”

No wonder social anxiety disorder is among the most common anxiety disorders!

Feeling socially anxious is never fun.

However, it becomes a disorder only when the distress affects us to the point where we can’t function in life, e.g. we stop meeting friends, going on dates and other normal activities.

Thanks to evolution, there is good reason for us to wonder what other people think of us, as it determines whether or not they want us in their group.

It also determines who will have our backs when we are in danger, say, when we’re running away from a hungry lion.

In modern times, however, danger isn’t usually physical, but psychological, e.g. financial insecurity, job loss, and even isolation.

Even the feeling of insecurity is a threat to our everyday wellbeing.

When we’re insecure about ourselves, we don’t think we’re deserving of good things, including feeling good about ourselves, so we don’t pay attention to understanding and improving our social anxiety.

Fear of pain

Indeed, if you tend to struggle with social anxiety, then ignoring your need for self-acceptance and social confidence only reinforces your struggle.

Often, what you’re actually afraid of isn’t only other people’s thoughts of you, but also having to constantly relive the emotional pain that you already feel.

The pain that keeps you away from people, that tells you you have to care about what others think about you more than your own opinion of yourself, that tells your brain to protect you from rejection (something that you’re already doing to yourself!).

The pain we’re talking about here is the feeling of shame.

In her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t), author and researcher Brené Brown defines shame as “an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”.

Shame insists that there’s something wrong with you, that you’re not like everybody else.

The bullying voice of shame is the real reason you’re always scared and on edge around people.

You don’t see yourself the way you see everybody else, as a complex, imperfect, yet acceptable human being.

After all, somehow, you think that there’s something horribly wrong with you when that’s not the case at all!

And so you continue reprimanding yourself for acting “weirdly” in social situations, thus perpetuating the judgment, rejection, criticism and shame that exacerbates your social anxiety, making you feel even worse.

Start the healing

In therapy sessions, there are a few questions that I ask my clients:

• What happened to you (that you now judge, reject, criticise and shame yourself before, during and after being in social situations)? (Credit: Dr Bruce Perry, author of What Happened To You?)
• What makes you convinced that no one would want you around, especially once they see the real you?
• What makes you believe you’re lesser than other people?
• What makes you think the real you is not worth befriending and loving? (Who is the “real you” anyway?)

Once more, the answer to all of the above is often shame.

Telemental health platform Telehope Health founder and chief medical officer Dr Tsung Wai explains: “This disabling shame causes us to try to withdraw within, hide and avoid feeling it.

“However, with each episode, it unconsciously teaches our brain to feel this shame again and again, telling our brain wrongly that this is how we should feel, sending us into a vicious cycle.”

The hardest part about social anxiety is constantly being reminded of how we actually feel about ourselves as social beings.

In a 2022 study examining self-esteem, interpersonal trust and social anxiety in college students, researchers concluded that how we feel about ourselves as social beings stems from how we feel about ourselves in general.

As singer Colbie Caillat asked: “Wait a second, why should you care what they think of you/When you’re all alone by yourself/Do you like you?”

And if you’re still not sure how to like yourself out of severe social anxiety, experts at the Centre for Clinical Interventions in Perth, Australia, recommend you start by noticing, describing and welcoming all the feelings and sensations associated with your social anxiety.

By doing so, you can start accepting your feelings and healing your sense of self and social anxiety.

Iffah Suraya Jasni is a counsellor and lecturer at Perdana University, and sits on the editorial board of Deeper Conversations, an Asia-based social anxiety and skills platform. For more information, email starhealth@thestar.com.my. The information provided is for educational and communication purposes only, and should not be considered as medical advice. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, functionality, usefulness or other assurances as to the content appearing in this article. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses, damage to property or personal injury suffered directly or indirectly from reliance on such information.